i have been abandoned by the prophetess, she who has her ears to sulli’s lips. the whispers have been getting fainter with each passing day and my nightmares more frequent. it seems the truth is soon to leave me too. but i bear no ill will to her or to the goddess. it was i who turned my back to them first. now our tribe is scattered and in hiding. over the course of two years our enemies, the feminists of kryber, the emerging minsul movement, muslims, and those f(x) unitarians have systematically kidnapped, raped, and forcibly converted our people into an ideal that does not exist. sulber? sulli hates fags. krytoria? krystal’s just teasing the peasant. our mistress can be pretty loose. sulna? sulli hates luna. sultoria? sulli hates chinks. kryber? krystal isn’t gay. and krysna is a myth propagated by fat ugly feminists. minsul among all this was the final nail in the coffin.

our tribe has been decimated and without a leader we have have no future. apparently my excommunication and subsequent banishment started long before the departure of ssul. this will likely be my last post. to my dear followers, all 4 of you, i ask you to unfollow me. there will be no updates. let this shrine serve as a testament to my love of sulli goddess and my undying loyalty to the one and only sullifx. i leave you all with an inspiring quote from the prophetess herself:

“She is guiding us all, we just do not know. We are given a path by Sulli, we do not know the path so it is up to us to find out. But don’t be led astray, keep focus and Sulli will believe in you and guide you holding your hand. She is with us, always and forever. In our heart. In our mind. In our blood. Sulli is the reason we live.”— excerpt from celebsthatcopysulli, december 28th 2012

dear sulli,

how’s it going? i’m guessing you’re probably at your ilsan home right now. that faggot amber has mcing duties every wednesday so no way you can be in nz. i know you hate her too. you don’t need to hide it from me. i can feel it. the tension when she’s around and the way you sort of flinch and recoil when she tries to touch you (is she hurting you?). it’s not only body language, i can’t explain how exactly. it feels as if we’re in tune with one another as cliche as that sounds. you know how they say dogs pick up on the slight emotional changes of their owners? i think it’s like that with us too. i’m the dog in the relationship lol. or in star war terms, we have a ‘force bond’ haha. btw your brother is so cute lol.

so anyway i watched amazing f(x) in tp and the picture quality was so crisp that I could even see your pores! don’t worry, they’re not big hehe. i actually had to squint to even make it out. not many have the gpu capability to view it in true true hd but i do. my 8600 gt wasn’t cutting it anymore, so i went to fry’s and bought a gtx 670. a bit pricey and a little irresponsible of me now that i think about it, but after seeing you at the 00:00:36.770 mark blowing out the candles, my buyer’s remorse went the way of the dodo hahaha. and i don’t even play games! i’m not one of those losers lol.

oh i had a dream about you last night. kinda what made me prompt this letter in the first place. i wanted to share it with you. it’s noting vulgar, just thought you might find it entertaining; in the dream i was inside an unlit house with a group of people. it was a small house with carpeted floors (normal for old american homes) that had a half-basement, so it felt like a two-story house inside. everything was dark. the others in the group were indiscernible, but i remember seeing you. i think it was because you were wearing a bright red miniskirt and the others wore very drab colors. so i guess we decided to sleep in the middle of the living room cuz we all laid down on the floor. i should describe my emotional state in the dream. i felt very hopeless, like the onset of an anxiety attack. the sort of impending doom you feel for the characters when watching horror films. i just knew it was going to end badly and even with that precognition i still wasn’t aware it was a dream. with my head on the ground i turned to look at the television set. it was one of those old crt tvs, where it drones for a few seconds when you turn it on. well it turned on, made that buzzing sound and was met with a face of a woman. i’m only saying it was a woman because it had long black hair. it had very frog-like features like wide lips, wide set eyes, low wide cheek bones, small upturned nose. i remember it clearly cuz it looked so weird. it was only on for a few seconds and the tv turned off. now during the time it was on it was staring down at you, and with its right eye (that means my left) it was looking at me. you weren’t aware, you were asleep but I saw it staring at you. by then i kind of figured out this was a dream so i was trying to force myself to wake up but waking up isn’t easy for me anymore. i have to concentrate very hard, close my eyes in the dream, and then will myself to wake up. now even with me doing this, the dream is still going on. so i usually wake up screaming to whatever was grabbing me or coming towards me. for most people when they realize they’re in a dream, they wake up automatically. not for me, it hasn’t been that way for some time. i should add that i have frequent nightmares accompanied by sleep paralysis. about once a month, but had it happen to me for two days straight once though. it’s always the same woman too. that’s why i hate going to sleep sometimes. it’s the archetype long black haired woman with the white gown, except in my dreams she doesn’t have eyes or it’s just all black. the fucked up thing about all this is that she enjoys getting close to my face and it’s always during sleep paralysis. in this half dream state, i’m on the bed looking at the figure that’s watching me sleep. i can’t move and i close my eyes but i can still see her through my eyelids staring down at me. closing my eyes only seem to accentuate her skin tone and face but i do it every single time. it’s highly disturbing. closing my eyes and still seeing her. the dreams always end the same way with her coming close to my face and i wake up screaming. now what gets me is that my room is exactly like how i saw it in the dream. i don’t know when the dream ended and where reality began. btw i’ve experimented if this thing only happens when i sleep on the bed, so i tried the floor and she would come at me from the ceiling, haven’t tried the couch but it probably wouldn’t make a difference. so it’s like i’m imagining this shit happening. i read up on rem dreaming and sleep paralysis, and seeing things is supposed to be normal during the experience. now my mom is a spiritual semi-religious person (weekend christian), and a couple of years ago i guess an acquaintance of hers said that i have a female ghost stuck on me. yeah, like that’s going to make feel better. that cunt proly said that cuz i looked liked shit, wasting away in my room. i can judge by appearance too, i do it all the time. so she got the female right, but it’s a 50/50 chance anyway. my mom told me this a few years ago, a little while after I got rejected to an art school (lol i know how is that possible it’s a fucking technical school technically). i got pretty depressed i guess. it was then when the dreams started. my mom growing up in a different generation than i did, believes in this stuff but she kind of downplays it front of me. she has frequent dreams too, those cryptic ones with a supposed meaning. she claims to have gotten most of them right, but she really only finds out the significance of her dreams after the events happen. like a few months ago she had a dream about her second eldest of her three older brothers painting a house with white paint. a week later, she was given a large amount of money from that brother. i don’t know wtf a white house or someone you know painting a house white signifies, but she attributes that to my uncle gifting her. another one was when she dreamt of catching a large red fish by hand amongst a pool of small weak yellow fish. a month later, she finds out her 38 year old cousin is pregnant. stuff like that. she doesn’t tell me of the nightmares though. i’ve heard her talking in her sleep and waking up screaming too so i guess this shit is genetic or something. the thing about the house dream was it was a different nightmare for me. different boogeyman, different setting, also in other dreams can feel the paralysis happening (a tingling sensation that moves upwards from my feet to my head), not here. so i looked up what it can mean on the internet lol. keep in mind this is all pseudoscience stuff, and i don’t have the source my mom uses to interpret her dreams. and actually it seems every book and website have different interpretations for each word or situation. so with that all in mind, he’s my interpretation according to web sources.

first the dark house, insecurity and my reflection or inner self (or yours). the sudden sleepover, denial, not being alert enough. the red miniskirt you were wearing in this context has the keywords violence, shame, femininity, and sexuality attached to it. frogs are supposed to represent uncleanliness, change or fertility. i’m thinking that frog creature signifies the person or thing that will bring about this change. i hear heechul is getting discharged on august, the same year you turned 20 in korean reckoning is when he gets out. the age where you are considered a woman in korea. with the hyeri thing that happened, who is also the same age, you should be wary of him or men in general. i know you trust him like a brother, but it is often the closest ones that hurt us the most. the gist of it all is pretty dark. it’s a warning of some sort. but as i’ve said earlier, this is mostly all bs. i probably read up and wrote all this so i have something to keep my mind busy as i don’t want to go to sleep. also, most of what i write when i’m sleepy i usually regret later. so i’ll probably delete this after i wake up. but it still doesn’t hurt to be too careful. i mean i still lock the bathroom door when i shower even though i’m alone and i made sure i’ve locked the front door.

it’s 6.05 am right now. i haven’t slept a wink. i’m scared of sleeping to be honest. i think me talking about it will somehow be the catalyst of it actually happening again. lol i’m scared. it’s funny, i’m actually scared of going to my room. and me lowering the curtains in my room last night doesn’t help. it’s practically pitch black in there. i ran out of valium. benzos always calmed me down. i would try my sister’s ambien, but i hear taking those is like giving your nightmares steroids. i know you’re a christian. i used to be one too. you don’t know me but please pray for me.

forever yours,

ssulrape